Am I Back ?

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For those of you following me for a while now, this might seem outright strange.

Not even a week ago I said goodbye ... and now I'm back ?

I'll try to keep my explanation short - After my Mom passed away in 2000, I had a few setbacks healthwise. It started with panic attacks, depression followed and then it was just downhill. I worked 15 years for the same company {with a few owner changes}, and was under tremendous pressure at work, which before, I handled quite well. Of course, I then had to resign as I could see it was no use, even after they hired an assistant for me.

The next ten years I spent seeing all kinds of specialists, which has put me on every imaginable combination of medications.  That brought some relieve, or so I thought ... At some stage I took 22 tablets, capsules and whatever else per day!  I was living in a cloud where there were no problems, everything was right and I was happy. Wrong - very wrong... I was missing out on life itself.

I was finally diagnosed at the end of 2010 - Bipolar, Schizo-Affective and then I already knew I  had Agoraphobia. In a sense, just knowing what was wrong, helped. I  read books, articles and everything I could find about the illness.

I decided to take it on "cold turkey" - Stopped the meds (most anyway) over a 3 month period. I could actually see and feel differences daily. 

Some days are better than others, sometimes I am happy but it might not last for the next hour, day or week. My moods can swing from the highest point to the lowest in seconds... it's not good, it's not nice and I always feel bad afterwards as the people closest to me get hurt.

Sometimes I think I should get back on the medication ... but I really do not want to live in a bubble, I also do not want to hurt people ... So, what to do ??

Last week I had one of my worst "attacks" ever - I stopped my blog, closed my Facebook account and tried to wipe myself from cyberspace entirely.

I did not count on missing With A Blast this much ! I miss the friends I made {as I can not handle people around me, this is perfect - friendships, without me leaving the house or having friends over}. 

Thanks to many e-mails and a few comments from bloggers all over the world, I am going to give With A Blast another go {I can not promise anything, though}

I also think Jessica from over at Jessica-Healthy Mommy Healthy Baby had a lot to do with my decision. This lovely girl wrote a post about my blog, which you can read HERE. When I read her post, I actually burst out in tears and slowly came out of my mood.

Thank you, Jessica !

I'll try my best this time round - if I disappear for a while, I'm sure to be back again.